


something they can never take away

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton POV, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Gay John Laurens, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 12:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10899444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Three moments in Alexander and John's relationship.





	something they can never take away

**Author's Note:**

> WOW i love lams so much.... also i totally ignored the fact that actual rest rooms didn't exist in the 1700s just ignore it okay. 
> 
> this turned into kind of a fix-it by the third segment, by the way.

Alexander's mind is a bit fuzzy as he puts his arm around Laurens' shoulder. He's about to mutter about how he looks handsome, but he stops himself in time. He sees Mulligan and Lafayette looking at them with raised eyebrows. He wants to get time alone with Laurens, because deep down he knows they probably won't like what he feels for him.

How... he muses. He sighs and a small smile is traced on his factions before it disappears. He tries pretending to stagger a little as Laurens rambles about how he wants to do the all-black batallion as soon as possible. "God, I'm gonna puke," he mutters. This is a cheap tactic to get time alone with him, but God, he wants to confess without people being fully aware of it.

"You didn't even drink that much," Mulligan says, smiling— his teeth shine in the darkness of the bar before he takes a shot of beer. "But go help him, Johnny." Alexander thanks God, even though he doesn't believe in him all that much, before he keeps pretending to feel sick.

"Don't call me Johnny," Laurens says sharply before putting his arm around Alexander's waist ( _holy shit, he's almost touching my hip_ , he thinks, and he laughs silently with how even his thoughts are slurred). He walks him to the bathroom and Alexander drops his fake sickness immediately. "Weren't you gonna puke?" Laurens mutters.

"Nah," Alexander nods. "I _am_ going to do something else, though," he starts, and his impulse to kiss him just strengthens before he gets closer to Laurens and their lips meet.

Alexander has kissed women before, he remembers the sweet aftertaste and the softness of their lips— but God, Laurens feels so utterly different. A good different, though; he wouldn't prefer one for the other. It's almost too chaste for two men in their young adulthood. It's just Alexander's lips moving, his hand on Laurens' ponytail for a few seconds before he _responds_.

It's all too-ecstatic for the few seconds it lasts, Laurens answering with all the excitement Alexander needs to keep going. In some moment Alexander opens his mouth as Laurens moves around so he's the one in control. His tongue meets Alexander's, and he can't help but let out a soft moan.

When they pull away Alexander feels himself smile bright, and he can sense how Laurens is watching deep in his eyes. And, before he knows it, Laurens is kissing him again. He closes his eyes and lets himself savor it, Laurens biting his lip and caressing his cheek as he kisses him.

"God," Alexander breathes when it's over. "I-I love you, John." He feels weak and his mind feels busier and fuzzier than before even though there hasn't been one more drop of alcohol in his system. He puts himself against John, who's uncharacteristically quiet.

"We..." John starts, voice too quiet and Alexander snaps his eyes open as he looks up to his face. "We shouldn't do this, Alex. We _can't_ do this."

"What do you mean, John?" he asks, though he knows all too well what he means. It's illegal, everyone thinks it's wrong, they can't be open about it even if they wanted to. And John seems moved, his teeth gritting and him shifting his weight on his feet.

"It's— it's wrong. My parents want me to marry soon, and I shouldn't even—" he cuts himself off by sobbing quite loudly, choking on his own spit. "I'm... I'm sorry. God."

"It's okay," Alexander replies as he tentatively holds John's hand. "You can like me, Jack." He knows his family calls him that, and he's aware that he considers him his chosen family— he's heard him be frustrated by his biological family enough times to chose his own. Mulligan, Lafayette and himself take part in it.

He wants to pull him closer, kiss him, call him his boyfriend. He remembers hazily seeing men hold hands in the streets of Charlestown, them laughing and acting like a couple. He was young, his mother didn't seem to have a problem with it— he assumed that it was okay in everybody's eyes.

Oh, was he wrong. He remembers when someone called John a sodomite. His face of hurt and betrayal but also simple acceptance, as if he had been called that his whole life.

"My father told his friend it was just because I was too busy with homework to think about women," he chokes out, his shoulders tense. His words are so barely slurred that if Alexander hasn't heard him talk so much he wouldn't realize they are. "But I've _never_ thought about them in that way," he confesses, and he seems so deeply troubled Alexander's guts churn.

"That's okay, Jack," he tells him, his hand on his chin. "You can like men. You can like me. It's okay."

"I feel... so wrong." John starts crying promptly, and Alexander looks at him with wide eyes. He's never seen John cry, and it hurts his heart how he sobs and how his body spasms. "I'm disgusting."

"You're not, God, Jack, you're not," Alexander breathes. "Just because the world thinks it's wrong it doesn't mean it is. Can I kiss you?"

John breathes in and out sharply, trying to focus and calm down. His eyes are filled with tears and he's shaking a little bit. When he nods, Alexander smiles and kisses him for the third time that night.

It tastes sour with tears, and Alexander feels John's pain through his lips. He kisses him sweetly, caressing his cheek as he deepens the kiss. "I want you, Jack, I want you," he tells him with need in his eyes and his voice. John smiles between tears and Alexander feels like they're falling back to animalistic impulses for when they're kissing against the wall, pressed together.

When John pulls away, he licks his lips and puts his hand on Alexander's hair. And he admits it, a string of his voice left: "I love you, Alex."

It doesn't feel taboo for Alexander, even though he knows they could be punished gravely just by doing _this_. But he says, softly, with all the emotion and the need in the world— "I love you too, Jack."

John smiles and they melt together in a hug. He puts his hand on Alexander's and squeezes, before kissing it almost as if he's a woman he's trying to court.

When they get out of the bathroom Alexander's mind feels fuzzy and he hears Mulligan mutter about how much they took. Lafayette looks at John's eyes, tears still on them.

Alexander doesn't mind before he takes another shot of beer. "Raise a glass to freedom..." he starts, remembering the song they sang so many months ago in this same place— it makes him feel great.

"Something they can never take away," Lafayette follows, French accent thick yet barely noticeable for Alexander.

"No matter what they tell you!" John sings, a bright smile on his lips. Part of Alexander knows he's thinking of being like he is, and slaves all the same.

Alexander knows it's alright to like men. He likes both men and women. And he doesn't see a problem with it, though he can see John is troubled by it still.

* * *

The next time they end up kissing in a bathroom it's four years later, in a Winter's Ball where Alexander wooed both of the Schuyler sisters. The ballroom was boring and tiresome enough for Alexander to take John's hand and bring him to the men's rest room.

"Eliza's black eyes don't compare to yours," is the first thing Alexander says, and John laughs heartily before kissing his cheek. "She seems... adequate, though, and I _have_ to get out of poverty somehow."

"I understand, Alex," John replies, voice quiet before kissing him again, this time his lips. "Will you tell her about... all this? I don't want to end this— this relationship." He licks his lips at the use of that word, that seems so important and heavy in Alexander's mind. They're dating, even though neither of them has uttered that word in those four years. "My heart still beats fast around you, I still feel like when I was a little schoolboy crushin' on my classmates around you."

"You're so cheesy, Jack," he chides. He can understand what he's saying, though: he still loves him. And he does, too— Eliza is great and kind but he can't help but feel like his heart beats with wild abandon whenever he sees John. He's beautiful, and he just wants to kiss him until there's no tomorrow left. He wants to have sex with him, even though that feels weirder than kissing him. "But I'll try to tell her."

"Good," John nods, smiling. "I also have to tell you something..."

"What?" Alexander asks, wondering what of all things it could be. Was he going to get married too? Was he going somewhere else in America, to fight for their freedom, to fight for other people's freedom? When John doesn't answer, Alexander bites the inside of his cheek. "What is it, Jack?"

"I'm going to South Carolina."

"Shit," Alexander whispers, and there's pure sadness in John's eyes. It's clear he doesn't want to leave him, but in all reality he needed to go back to his homeland. "Army reasons?"

"Yeah," John nods. "I'm sorry, Alex, but I swear I'll be back soon."

Alexander lets out a whimper of pure sadness, and he wants to be next to John forever. He doesn't want him to leave. "Don't get with any other guy while you're there, yeah?" he jokes weakly.

"I'm yours, Alex," he replies as he lets him press himself against him, his arms enveloping Alexander on a hug. Alexander feels fuzzy inside by that sentence, this time no alcohol involved. "I'll always be yours."

Alexander then looks up to him and holds his curly ponytail before kissing him fervently. John groans against his lips as he opens his mouth in earnest, and God, Alexander wants _more_. When they pull away there's spit on their lips and John is smiling. "Good," Alexander nods.

He's known for being loudmouthed and to shoot off the mouth, but with John he's left defenseless, he's left speechless. He loves not knowing what to say for once, blinded by John and his love for him.

"I love you, Alex," he reminds him. "I'm leaving next week," he adds then, and Alexander stiffens.

"I love you too," he says, quiet. "I'll miss you."

John nods, his smile sad. "I'll miss you too."

Alexander kisses him again, and he feels like he's dissolving at John's touch.

* * *

Alexander hears a knock on his door four days after his affair with Maria Reynolds started. He tenses up as he gets up from his office and opens the door. He gasps when he sees John there.

His hair is longer and wilder than before, his ponytail a lot bigger than the last time they saw each other, the day he left for South Carolina in 1780. It's been nine years since then, and they've exchanged letters over time, though John tended not to answer.

"Jack," he says, a string of his voice left and his eyes open wider than ever. "You— you're back."

"I'm back, dearest," John whispers, and it's the first time he has called Alexander something like that in literal years, and he feels like he's going to cry.

He does so, throwing himself at John's embrace while sobbing violently. "I missed you so much, oh my god, I missed you so much," he says, and he smiles brightly before their lips meet. They're pressed against the door of Alexander's house, the kiss fervent and needy and full of joy.

"How was it? How was South Carolina?" he asks as he intertwines his fingers with his, sitting down at the sofa. They haven't done much more than hormonal make out sessions at bathrooms and empty bedrooms, so as Alexander sits down on John's lap he feels like he's trascended all he could do with him.

John laughs briefly, probably because Alexander sounds like he's asking him how was his vacation rather than how was the war. "I got gravely injured at Combahee River, but I'm alive, so I don't think it matters. I have a cool scar on my side, where the bullet went through, so."

"Show me the scar, Jack," Alexander tells him as he gets off his lap, not before kissing him and biting the other man's bottom lip.

John nods as he takes off his upper clothes, leaving only his torso naked. Alexander smiles as he touches along his sides, until he bumps into the small scar at the right side of his belly. When he touches it John hisses. "Ah, sorry," he mutters before looking back up to him.

"Well, I also... kind of didn't listen to your— uh." John looks down, clearly ashamed. Alexander nods, asking him to continue. "You said for me to not get with any guys, correct?"

"Uh-huh." Alexander has the feeling he did, in fact, get together with someone. He then notices the ring in his left hand, and he knows but he lets him talk.

"I got a girl pregnant... and I married her out of guilt." He sighs, and Alexander can see the troubled look in his face. "My dad was happy, I heard him tell my mom he was glad I finally showed interest in a woman."

"But you didn't."

"I didn't. She started flirting with me and I felt like I _had_ to do it." John sighs, and Alexander hugs him, feeling a bit sad for him. "She stayed in South Carolina, though... I don't think I'll have to see her again."

Silence follows his words, and Alexander quietly goes back to sitting at his lap before kissing him. It's sweet, almost as if he wants John to drown his sorrows in his lips.

"I'll always prefer you over anyone else," John admits. "I know you're married, I know you have a nine-year-old child, but I know you'll still love me. Right?"

"I love both you and Eliza," Alexander says, voice quiet but yet loud in his mind. "But you charmed me first... I felt your lips on mine first, Jack. You'll always have a special place in my heart." He remembers John drunkenly flirting with him, though discreetly enough to not make Mulligan or Lafayette think anything about it. He remembers his letters, how he joked around while also being loving.

God, he's so glad he's back with him now. He has disaster after disaster; he's technically cheating on Eliza with two people, a woman and a man. It's wrong, he knows, but John was there first— it doesn't excuse it, though. And Maria...

He thinks of mentioning it to him for a second, but he thinks that's, in no way, a good idea.

John laughs before kissing him, lips meeting his with need. He puts his hand on Alexander's neck, pulling him closer, and he can't help but let out a quiet gasp. "My beloved, you look like you're hiding something." The use of that term makes Alexander's heart beat faster, but the way he recognizes guilt on his face after nine years of not seeing each other makes him want to cry.

And he also wonders how he'll react to telling him the truth— telling him about Maria. "Well, technically I'm already being unfaithful to Eliza because of you, right?" John nods, a bit of thoughtfulness on his eyes. "I... had sex with this girl a few days ago."

"Oh god," John breathes immediately. "What if she finds out? What are you going to do, Alex?" It's hilarious because Eliza is already sort of aware about his and John's relationship, and John acts worried about her finding out about Maria.

Most likely because Eliza dismisses his relationship with John, as she probably thinks it's a little joke and not something that is, in fact, real and a thing. And Maria— she wouldn't. Alexander knows her, and he knows Eliza would kick his ass if she found out he did what he did.

It's that when he hears someone else knock on the door, and Alexander tenses up as he kisses John and then goes to open the door.

His eyes snap wide open when he sees it's Maria, her red lipstick perfect and her red dress beautiful. Guilt washes over him, and he just looks up and down to her. "Hello, sir," she says, voice as sensual as it was four days ago.

Alexander knows he's fucking up, he already fucked up, he already had sex with her, and it felt good but feeling guilty is the worst feeling he's known. "Maria," he says.

When they're next to the living room in which John is in, Maria pulls him in front of the door before kissing him with fervor. Alexander answers sheepishly, feeling John's stare on his neck. He knows by having this relationship with John he's already doing wrong, as he's married, but it feels so much less surreal now that it's with a woman.

Maria pulls away just when John, shirtless and with his brows furrowed, opens the door. "Bitch, get away from Alex. He did a mistake by sleeping with you." His voice feels as if he's about to tip into anger. "Go away. He doesn't want you."

"Who are you?" Maria hisses as she looks at John with scorn. "He chose to sleep with me, and he'll do it again. Isn't that right?" she smiles teasingly at Alexander, and he feels like he's been stabbed in the guts.

"I'm John Laurens, and I'm Alexander's best friend." He grits his teeth for a split second when he calls himself his friend, something he's done ever since their first kiss in the bar. "He made the wrong decision when he slept with you. Go away."

"And no," Alexander adds, "I won't do it again, Reynolds. Leave now."

Maria looks at him and then at John with her teeth gritting and her jaw clenching. She turns around before she gets out of their house and slams the door on her way out.

"I'm surprised she didn't comment on you being shirtless," Alexander comments, and John laughs heartily before their lips meet once again. "I love you; I would've probably said yes if you weren't here."

"I'm glad I stopped it. I love you too, dearest."

Alexander hugs him and they stay there, standing still, pressed together for what feels like hours.

He's grateful.


End file.
